i hate u, i love u
by umaficwriter
Summary: "you love her, you need her and I'll never be her." Cristina's thoughts about Teddy's arrival at Seattle Grace-Mercy West. 5th on Crowen Playlist Challenge.


i hate u, i love u

Resume: "you love her, you need her and I'll never be her." Cristina's thoughts about Teddy's arrival at Seattle Grace-Mercy West. 5th on Crowen Playlist Challenge.

Disclaimer: Greys Anatomy and its characters don't belong to me AT ALL (I wish).

Notes: you should listen to this song on my 'Crowen – Cristina Yang and Owen Hunt' playlist on spotify! Enjoy!

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Cristina was feeling betrayed. She was feeling used.

_Feeling used__  
__But I'm still missing you__  
__And I can't see the end of this__  
__Just wanna feel your kiss__  
__Against my lips_

Owen haven't brought her some Cardio God, he'd brought her some old love flame, just to go and get confused, get her confused for that matter.

She just wanted to go home and hug him, assuring him that everything was going to be fine, but she couldn't for the life of her, do that.

She was sufferin' because she loved him so freaking much and just wished she could hold him tight and feel his lips against hers…

Her heart was crushing inside her chest, even thought she knew better than that. Still, the pain was excruciating.

Her life was full of loses and Cristina didn't want for her and Owen to be the next one, hers and Burke history was just the sufficient amount of hurting she could take.

_And now all this time__  
__Is passing by__  
__But I still can't seem to tell you why__  
__It hurts me every time I see you__  
__Realize how much I need you_

Cristina couldn't talk to him.

She couldn't even look at him without the pang in the chest and the chills all through her body.

She needed him like she needed air, she said it herself not so long ago, that he was everything she asked for in a man, and that he completed her in ways she didn't realize she wanted to be.

But that made her despise him whatsoever.

And worship him even more, because if he was causing her that much trouble, it has to be a fact that he was important. And precious. As surgery.

Owen Hunt was like a complicated procedure that made her wanna run for the hills and, at the same time, stare into, trying to dismantle every tiny piece of it. Of _him_.

Nonetheless, she was in love, completely and absurdly in love with him.

It was pervasively beautiful and painful.

_I hate you, I love you__  
__I hate that I love you__  
__Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you__  
__I hate you, I love you__  
__I hate that I want you__  
__You want her, you need her__  
__And I'll never be her_

She'll never be Teddy Altman.

She didn't want to either, but Cristina wished she could relate to Owen's pain in order to cure him of all that trauma.

As a surgeon, Cristina Yang straight thinking was about heal, cut and mend, make people feel better… she was loathed she couldn't do it with him, the love of her life.

She hated herself for that, she hated Owen for not accepting Chief's offer back when they first met, before all his people died on him, so tragically in that ambush. That would make it all easier.

She missed everything about him, although, she was just too stubborn to admit it.

_I miss you when I can't sleep__  
__Or right after coffee__  
__Or right when I can't eat__  
__I miss you in my front seat_

With Owen was no different.

He missed her senseless.

The sleepless nights were back, now that she wasn't beside him in bed. He pawed the bed in hopes that she'd magically appear, but of course, she did not.

In the mornings, Major Hunt would grab a cup of coffee from the cart in front of the hospital, and accidentally, would ask for her order too, soon seeing himself with two paper cups in hand, yet all alone.

He knew it was his fault.

He shouldn't've asked for Teddy, he shouldn't've assumed that her being here wouldn't bring those terrible memories back…

It was his doing that Cristina didn't spend the night at his place anymore, just to ride with him to the hospital, he _knew_…

Owen Hunt carried a weigh wherever he went. Just to look at her, waiting for the elevator, or at the nurses' station, constantly damaged his heart.

_Still got sand in my sweaters__  
__From nights we don't remember___

_Do you miss me like I miss you?__  
__Fucked around and got attached to you__  
__Friends can break your heart too__  
__And I'm always tired but never of you_

He was just… so _exhausted_. Tired of dreaming with what he wished he could erase from his mind once and for all.

He loved Teddy. They have lived things nobody could relate to, and for that, for her presence and support at that time, he was grateful, Hunt truly was, within his whole soul, but he had Cristina now, and they've suffered so much already, with the choking and all the hot n' cold before they arrived where they belonged. Together.

Before Cristina, Owen felt every grain of the dessert's hot sand in his skin, in his bones, in his slacks' pockets, his hair… the heat came to visit the redhead, making him push the covers aside, even though Seattle was freezing cold.

The toss and turn on his bed just subsided when Cristina was near.

Her body heat would soothe him at night. Her hair would ground him, reminding him of where he stood now.

Did she miss him, like he missed her?

Did she need him in the same intensity he needed her?

He couldn't sleep and there was no way of knowing that.

He was lost.

Owen Hunt missed Cristina Yang.

_If you wanted me you would just say so_

Couldn't she say _something_? _Anything_.

She didn't even meet his eyes anymore.

_And if I were you, I would never let me go_

Meredith said it herself:

"You're a catch! His loss!"

Cristina offered her person a genuine smile. Indeed, she was.

However, Mer didn't know how her heart panged just to think he could let her go forever.

He caused it.

She was broken.

Cristina _aimed_ her life was an appy. Her life was a _Gunther_, though.

_I don't mean no harm__  
__I just miss you on my arm_

Then the shooting happened.

Then her marriage happened.

_Wedding bells were just alarms__  
__Caution tape around my heart_

Soulmates.

Cristina didn't believe that shit.

"Pep talk, for boring people." She said.

But at night, making love with her _husband_ at the firehouse, she chose to rely on that shit. Just a _little_ bit. Not that she'd admitted it, not even under torture.

Meredith have warned her though.

She didn't want to hear the wedding bells chime for a reason.

Unfortunately, her person was awfully right.

Her relationship with Owen was in shreds. None of the sutures would do.

She exercised her right to choose.

For him, she'd chosen wrong.

Caution tape, sutures, glue… they were beyond repair now.

"_You ever wonder what we could have been?" _he asked her one night.

"_You said you wouldn't and you fucking did" _Cristina bit back.

He should've known better than bring the abortion back.

After all, he was there, wasn't he? Holding her hand and promising her everything was going to be fine.

_Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix__  
__Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed_

She rubbed in his face the cheating.

He hit back with the abortion card.

"You wanted to hurt me back?" the look on her face pure sadness. She was feeling small and soaked in tragedy and shattered glass.

Plane crashed.

Mayo happened.

Divorce.

Emma.

Burke.

Switzerland.

_Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing__  
__Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance__  
__I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing__  
__But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings_

Major Hunt once thought that he could not miss Cristina more that at that time.

Oh, the life proven him wrong.

Bittersweet were the memories, still, he wanted them all to replay.

Distance didn't solve the heartbreak.

He dreamed of her lips.

He daydreamed she was in the hospital's hallways.

Going crazy he went.

Damn _single_ _malt_ _scotch_ she was.

She burned him, marked his skin like a scar. He loved hating that.

_When love and trust are gone__  
__I guess this is moving on__  
__Everyone I do right does me wrong_

It was Zola's 5th birthday.

The little girl wanted auntie Cristina for her birthday.

Did not want parties, or cake, or presents, she wanted Yang.

How the Asian had made fun of her person when Meredith revealed Zola's wish.

"Of course, I'll go, Mer!" she said via _facetime_. "We gotta make it a surprise, tho."

The day arrived and Zola was blue, because apparently, auntie Yang wasn't coming. She lived overseas, and was a busy surgeon, just like mommy and daddy… it wasn't okay, but, hey, we would always have Christmas!

However, when the birthday party was in full swing, the birthday girl was coerced by her mother to go answer the door.

"Go, Zozo!" Mer had said with a little smile and sparkling eyes, as she always did for her children.

"Auntie Cristina!" came the strident cry of Zola, and every attendant to the get together looked at the door.

There she was.

Owen watched her enter the house.

Zola in her hip, as the little girl filled Cristina's face with butterfly kisses.

Meredith /went to hug her person, Derek was next, and it went on with the other doctors and Sofia, that was her goddaughter as well.

She caught his eye and smiled softly hugging Zola once more, since the girl wouldn't let go of her.

Owen was mesmerized. She was more beautiful than he remembered, if that was even possible.

The hours went by and soon, the guests were gone and the kids went to bed, Zola and Sofia would have a sleepover in Zola's room and that made them want to go to bed earlier. Derek's daughter not so much, because aunt Cristina was here, but the Cardio-thoracic surgeon pinky-promissed her goddaughter she'd be there the next day.

"You should talk to him…" initiated Meredith. Both her and Cristina were in the kitchen savoring one of Derek's bottles of red.

"And what should I tell him?" questioned Yang. "Ah, hey! Remember me? Your ex-wife, that said goodbye to you from the OR gallery, after all that we've been through?" sarcasm was filling her mouth like the wine was.

Meredith sighed. "Cristina…" she tried.

"Just…" the brunette signalized with her hand for Mer to save her words, and took her glass to the porch.

She needed fresh air, needed to think about seeing him again.

She knew that the possibility existed when she agreed to come, but in fact, look him in the eye… it was _killing_ her.

_How is it you never notice__  
__That you are slowly killing me?_

As she approached the bench in Derek and Meredith's porch, Cristina also noticed the man sitting there.

Sensing someone, Owen looked up from his beer bottle.

"I'm sorr-"

"I can g-"

"Please, stay". Those were the words that came out of his mouth. That sentence held such meaning, more than for her to stay in the porch.

"It's okay, I can…" the phrase died in her mouth.

He made room for her in the bench.

"How you've been?" he truly wanted to know.

"The institute is running smoot-"

"No, how have _you_ been, Cristina?" her name like a poem coming out of his mouth.

"Owen…" she started, but was interrupted.

"I'm so in love with you" the man stated. "I hate you for abandoning me here, but I love you so much still Cristina, that I can't even…" Hunt ran his hands through his hair.

"Why didn't you come for me?"

With this, he, that was looking at the ground, looked into her eyes.

Piecing blue pouring emotions into her.

"I couldn't because, I cannot give you what you want, but Cristina, that doesn't make me stop loving you."

"And loving me hurts, right?" she bitterly offered.

"Yeah, it actually does." Owen stated and took a long swing from his bottle.

"We'll never gonna work, won't we?" she asked already knowing the answer for that question. Yang sipped her wine, and looked ahead, as the man beside her was doing.

"No, we won't"

Notes: yeah, I'm a bitch. You can curse me, if you please.

See ya

xx


End file.
